...Friends and FATE

The reason for my absent was due to my commitment to a “Personal Development” course which my employer sees as a necessary ritual in the accession of the corporate ladder. For 4 days and 3 nights of endless moral inculcation, my eventual release was “celebrated” by my dear friends; James, William T and William L. Our Sunday night rendezvous ended with the usual “Life Debate” that we were so fond of…

The so-called debate didn’t end too well as every one of them is of the opinion that I was wrong. You could say that I am the deviant amongst the deviants. The debate lasted on the streets as the shutters of “Cajun Moon Pub” was sliding on its hinges.

I know I was on the losing end. I can’t possibly defend against 3 of them. No one believed me or should I say no one ever had. If my luck was any better, Fate appeared from the flickering neon lights of “Cajun Moon Pub”. It blinded me momentarily as my senses were already weakened from 4 days of deprivation of sunlight . Why do they always have to make a grand entrance?

It was then, Fate whispered into my ear, “Why do you seek to enlighten them?”

I paused at the question, as James continued pounding me with his voice, “You must practice what you preach!”

“It is only right that you lead by example!” continued William L.

“I am saying... I am not right in my assertion that we are all happy with our lives” I replied contradictory.

“I am just saying we can be happy if we really put our effort towards achieving this elusive feeling called Happiness, we can’t just say we are happy just because we feel we are happy!” I yelled back.

“Just because you are unhappy with your life, stop assuming that we are unhappy with ours!” boomed William T’s voice.

“You can be so amusing, each one of you walks on my thread and yet you try so very hard to break free from me!” Fate intervened, with an increasingly mocking tone.

Let Fate's words be my burden alone. For my friends can’t hear nor will they care to hear. When the mind is closed so will the heart…

It was at the moment, William T spoke, “Look! You are entitled to your feelings and views just as much as we can!” Could William T have heard Fate’s voice? He is amongst us in more ways than one an obedient child of Fate. Lessons of death and tragedy are often used as Fate's propaganda and William has his fair share.

As the night wore on, Time gathered speed on its primordial feet while James and William L got into their respective cars. Obediently, silently Fate followed them…

I got into mine and started the engine. As my car swerved to a familiar destination called home, Death appeared beside me. In such a time, she usually does.

"Don't you know all of Fate’s thread will eventually lead to me!”

I merely nodded in darkness.

...work and mortality

Saturday morning and Monday morning was corporate pandemonium. I was occupied from morning till evening. Meetings with lawyers and ministers from Mongolia on Saturday morning shifted to my clients from Thailand on Monday.

Through small gaps of rest, I could see Lady Death staring at me. She seems to be saying, “If you don’t die of an Heart Attack…at this rate you are going…”, I ignored her grim premonition as much as I welcomed it. She still doesn’t know that I have longed for her cold embrace. Cold yet so assuring and certain.

...morning MEETINGS equal morning SICKNESS

…my stomach was growling when my clients came into the room. “Damn! They came so early!” I whispered under my breath. “My Nasi Lemak is still waiting for me upstairs” Expletives were forming in my mouth when the lawyers present abruptly stopped my verbal actions.

“Where can I photocopy this Facility Agreement?” I hesitantly pointed to the direction of my office. Here am I, hungry, miserable and all he could ask me was for directions. I sincerely do not enjoy my work anymore. The meetings, the deadlines and of course the miserable pay. Wish they were some kind employers out there reading this and give me a fat pay cheque for doing nothing. Absurd you say, well 99% of the highly paid bankers are not really doing work; they employ a method called “delegation”.

Anyway, I quickly closed “Microsoft Outlook” after replying to my dear friends; James and William before doing a 50 meter marathon into the meeting room.

...Friday the 13th

...it was 11.14 p.m on a Friday night. My PS2 was whirling quietly against the background when my handphone's polyphonic screams interrupted my interaction with my console. “James Calling”, my phone blinked repeatedly.

“Hello? What are you doing ah?”

His usual baritone voice immediately brought a smile to my face. Whenever James calls thoughts of drowning in alcohol is not far behind.

“Nothing loh! Tomorrow got work mah.” I replied.

“No lah! I just finished watching Kingdom of Heaven and my colleagues want to go to the local Mamak instead for a decent drink!”

“The usual place ok?”

I thought to myself. Here am I in my shorts and T-Shirt getting ready to meet Sandman and he is asking me out! Sandman can wait. Unless you are suffering from insomnia, the lure of Sandman into his domain is a most welcome gesture.

“I will be there in 10 minutes!” I replied.

...Little RED RIDING HOOD

Reluctantly I forced myself to the train last night, making haste not to miss my class with those Japanese brats. The thought of enduring one and a half hours of educational torture is not exactly what I had planned to end my evening. However my responsibility to those kids override any semblance of selfishness in abandoning my post as a Sensei to them. Anyway, I needed the money…money is a great motivator.

Amidst rising blood pressure as the entity called Time slowly drags its infinite feet across existence, I was tempted by the Devil to simply wrap my hands around those little necks and giving them a tightening squeeze. That might end the class permanently, I thought to myself. But damn I needed the money…so I pushed that idea for another day.

As the class finally ended, I dragged my lethargic legs across the complex to a toy shop. What could give me more pleasure than looking at toys. To my utter delight, amongst boxes of China-made cartons boxes, McFarlane Monsters Series 4 has arrived! Immediately I was tempted to get Red Riding Hood. She reminds me so much of my mother. A picture is inserted below depicting Mom, I mean Red Riding Hood in her crimson glory slicing open the belly of Mr Big Bad Wolf! Unfortunately, Mr Big Bad Wolf has eaten Dear Old Granny… Oh well! We are what we eat….

...does ANGELS rest?

a rather uneventful lunch. had noodles again.mental note to self : noodles an invitation to hungry pangs later in the afternoon. as predicted the rain did not come, rather sunlight took its place and showered heat wave across the city. traffic was rather light, was hoping for chaos and accidents...trying to cash in on fortune by numbers.

anyway i am still trying to complete a paper for my Boss. the clients are literally on my ass making a mockery of so-called banking relationship.

wish i could stop time for a moment but then again does an angel rest?

...when HEAVEN don' t cry

Woke up to an overcast sky, gray and bleak. There is an uncanny stillness in the wind confirming that rain won’t come, maybe not today. I looked upward, could see shards of sunlight trying to penetrate the impending darkness. I know Heaven’s efforts are futile.

The train was packed as usual as I shifted my attention to a middle-aged woman, probably married by the band on her wiry finger. I gave her a penetrative stare, she looked away immediately. Just a few more seconds, I would have been able to deconstruct her mind. Nevertheless, if I can’t read her mind, her body will do.

She looked tired, shifting restlessly. Life has not been good to her. The weariness of the world looks heavy on her thin shoulders, the physical bag that she carries seemed to amplifies this.

I wonder if her husband is still making love to her. She seemed so lonely almost craving for Lust’s burning touch. My attention shifted to other women in the carriage and realized that they all shared the same fate.

“Their problems are not mine!”, I thought to myself as my hands reached for a novel that I kept in my bag whilst the train pummels to the direction of the city

...hello ETERNITY

…sometimes time flies but today it was literally crawling on its infinite belly, sliding along this primordial world, while my ape-like colleagues languish away at their own cubicle. I smiled, as I know their existence is wasting away like everything else. As for me, I am feeling hungry again; noodles like love is never satisfying.

Another one more hour to go, before I am released from this corporate shell. Away from this stifling filthy building that HIS creation built. Humans at times can be overtly creative, I for one take joy that one day it will crumble before their very eyes. Although I must admit that it will take quite long for that to come about.

Can I wait? I looked at the clock now; 4.27 p.m...eternity is just another human heart beat away.

...pierced by an ANGEL

…well not exactly. like lust, hunger once satiated lingers not like wax on a burning candle. Still feeling the aftertaste of spongy noodles in my mouth which makes me recall an incident while going to lunch. An accident of sort when a motorcycle collided with a car. Tinge of excitement and fear its faithful companion drove me to take a closer look. To my total dismay only minor injuries. The number plate I must have the number.

Could a GOD so divine and cruel grant me fortune from the misfortune of others? As I ponder, my hunger pang drove me away from the scene. My two colleagues are too busy in their conversation to have noticed that I have committed the four digit number into memory. Felt like I have committed murder by greed. Life’s little ironic play…

So have you been pierced by an ANGEL this afternoon? Could this feeling be more of pleasure and pain or the realization that we are merely tools of a greater game? I tempt GOD no further…

...my EYES see, my STOMACH rumbles

I just felt the air stirred or is it just my vivid imagination shattering again. All I see now are mirror pieces of memories gathered before my feet reflecting the precious time I spent day dreaming. My boss is sneaking on me again like a shadow hammer striking this pool of reflection pouring out from glazed eyes. Yes these glazed eyes that have been monitoring a digital screen since 9.08 this morning. I am truly amazed by the individuality of online souls that populate a certain forum i have been moderating...silently observing them online. Looking at them…solum dum prae oculis…I wondered what GOD see of us?

I feel like a perverted voyeur, feeding not on physical stimulation, rather on the words of online souls that hide behind a digital façade.

You want to know more? But I am really hungry now, you know what they say about a man with an empty stomach. As for my mind, the Devil is already playing on the swing...

...are you looking at HIM

an hour more to lunch time, a break to this truly monotonous conundrum. have you ever wondered if your stomach is empty just like the mind, it creates a fertile playground for the devil?

...only GOD before their eyes

11th of May 2005, i chanced upon this digital diary.boredom and the need to fully utilized my company resources has led me on this aimless journey...

...clicking away on my dell laptop, purportedly trying to create a semblance of meaning to a meandering existence we called "life"...

"life" in all its intents and purpose coloured a very bleak scenario...a scenario i found repetitive just like the sound of the clicking on my dell laptop...